NOTE

So as most of you know, I'm ending all of my Onikafaree fics within the next few weeks. However, I've had a couple people asking if I could maybe keep one going. I'm not sure if you all feel the same way but if there is one you might like to keep reading, which one would it be? OR I could do someone else's suggestion which was a continuation of Forever Young? Idk. :) Anywho it's up to you guys, thanks for reading.

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15. By Your Side - Part One

*THANKU so much for the comments on the previous chapter! I neverrrrr expected to get that many! I'm super grateful, Thanku!! :) I hope this is okay, this one and CM will most likely be the only OF fics I'll continue with but I still don't know yet. And yes, this is only short :/*

She awoke in his arms after an unsettling two hours of sleep. Her troubles slowly swallowing every happy feeling she still hung on to. How did everything slip through her fingers so easily? It was like she'd given up trying to help herself. Maybe she'd stopped fighting because she believed it was a fight unworthy of being fought? The light movement of her face as she frowned made him look down at her. He'd been awake the whole time, trying to figure out what was going on inside her head but he was still none the wiser.

"How long you been awake?" He kept still as he spoke quietly.

"Not long."

"You wanna talk 'bout what's botherin' you?"

"Safaree."

"I mean it, Nicki. How'd you expect me to help you if you're not even gonna tell me what's up?"

"I can't." It came out as a sobbed whisper but he still heard.

"Why not? What's stoppin' you? I'm right here." There was silence followed by her shuddering before she talked again.

"Because you're gonna hate me." She sniffled once she'd exhaled the last of her sentence. The tears trickling down her face felt hot on her skin.

"I could never hate you and you know that." He squeezed her comfortingly. "And I ain't goin' nowhere, so talk to me." He felt her breathe in before letting the air escape shakily. For a moment he thought she wasn't going to talk but soon he'd be wishing she hadn't.

"The baby is yours." The tears only increased as she waited for him to respond but she was met only with silence before he pulled away from her. The movement was so sudden she flinched before sitting nervously in the middle of the bed. "Safaree, I wante-"

"Is or was? I thought you lost the baby? You told me you'd lost the baby." Her tearful words were cut off sharply by his voice as he stood staring out of the window. She didn't need to see his face to tell he was angry. His body posture and tone of voice were dead giveaways.

"I-I did." She looked down at her crossed legs, they looked so blurry because of her tears as she fidgeted with the quilt.

"So why you talkin' like you're still pregnant?" He turned around angrily making her look up at him.

"I am still pregnant."

"So you been lyin' to me this whole fuckin' time?! When were you gonna tell me?!" He moved quickly over to the bed as she started crying even harder.

"I'm trying to tell you now! Stop fucking yelling over me!" Getting to her feet swiftly she pushed past him with as much force as she could muster before heading to the bathroom to get some tissue.

"So, you're carryin' my child. Now what? You got your next move planned?" He leant in the doorframe, evidently angry by her revelation. He continued to watch her as she pointlessly wiped at her tears, no matter how many she smudged away more would follow. "Answer me, Nicki!"

"She's got-"

"She? So it's a girl?" She groaned frustratedly and threw the used tissue into the toilet before slamming the seat lid down and sitting on it.

"Stop. Interrupting. Me." Her nostrils flared and he didn't speak again as she carried on staring at her hands, the tears dropping on to her skin whilst she sniffled. "There's no heartbeat. They couldn't find one. I had to have to have an assisted miscarriage." Her quiet and warped words hit him hard as the guilt set in.

Exhaling regretfully he dropped his angry stance. "Nicki I never-"

"No, I'm not finished." She heard him sigh sadly and walk further into the bathroom, taking a seat on the edge of the tub. "I didn't know what to do, I couldn't have a baby! I was barely taking care of myself."

Trying to piece together what she was saying Safaree wrinkled his brow harshly. Nothing she was saying was fitting but he understood he'd stepped over the line already and decided to hear her out without disrupting her again.

"I had no money for an abortion, they turned me away. Told me to come back when I had enough." She laughed humorlessly. "Can you believe that? Just sent me straight back out on to the street like everything would be okay."

"What happened next?" He kept his voice soft and calm, not wanting to upset her anymore.

"I had no other choice, I promise you." She looked up at him for the first time since they moved into the bathroom. The pain on her face was killing him but at the same time he could feel the anger rising again. Of course she had other choices.

"What did you do, Nicki?" The suppressed anger was undetectable in his voice.

"I tried to do it myself."

Her answer was met with a tension-filled silence as he tried to keep the anger locked inside, it was proving difficult though.

"Yourself? So you aborted our baby...Yourself?" He was emphasising his words with his hands as he moved closer towards her. She was trying so hard to work out whether he was angry or not but right now she honestly couldn't tell.

"I had no choice, Safaree."

"What about me?"

"What about you?" She shook her head confusedly, making more tears roll down her face.

"Me, Nicki! You could have come to me! You have any idea how fucking dangerous that shit is?! People die doin' that!" His sudden outburst answered her earlier question about whether he was still angry or not. He was.

"I already caused enough drama for you. You're fiance even left 'causa me." Her focus was fixed on her hands again before his phone interrupted their taxing conversation. Looking at the screen briefly he did a double take when he saw who was calling. "Just take the damn call, SB." There was a moment of hesitation on his part before he spoke firmly. This whole confession was a mess and honestly it was going nowhere near to the way she'd planned.

"The call can wait. Right now I wanna talk about this mess we're in."

"We?" She laughed coldly. "Safaree, there is no 'we' about any of this. It's my mess and I can handle it on my own."

"There you go again! Actin' like you're alone and you got nobody there for you!" He shook his head angrily. "I'm here for you! I will always be here for you! When the hell are you gonna realise that, Onika?!" 

"When I stop feeling like I have no one." Her voice was quiet in comparison to his loud yells. It hadn't even crossed his mind that since her teens she literally had nobody. Just Drake and Candi and now they were gone. She was all alone.

Lowering his voice considerably he exstinguished his anger and approached her sofly. "You don't need to feel like that anymore, Nic. I told you and I will keep on tellin' you if I have to. I'm here and I ain't goin' anywhere this time." 

"And what happens when things go wrong and you do leave me again? Then what will I do?" She sniffled and wiped away yet more tears. "I can't trust anybody anymore. I'm always the one that ends up gettin' hurt, Safaree. I can't do it."

"Well, I'm just gon' have to prove you wrong then." He grabbed her hand gently, she felt limp and lifeless like she'd given up on everything including herself. She was tired of fighting her way through life.

***

Their argument and discussion ended in the same way it started. Her body laying next his as she slept off the hours of crying. Honestly, he was glad she was sleeping. He needed time to cool down and process what the hell had just happened. She'd just told him she was carrying his child. Again. Obviously he was devastated by the news that she was undergoing an assisted miscarriage but it probably didn't even compare to the amount of pain and heartbreak she was experiencing. The fact that she went to those kind of lengths all because she felt she wasn't good enough and had nothing to offer her child. It made him feel like shit. Looking down at her chest rising and falling steadily he kept thinking to himself, wondering how all of this was going to work out.

Another two hours passed by whilst she slept. The day slowly creeping into the evening as it got dark out. The first thing he figured he should start working on was some sort of routine, she needed stability more than anything right now. His first step in this new responsibilty was dinner.

"The hell do I do with this?" He scrunched his face up and tried to read the jar, as everything else around him continued to cook. Not really being in his area of expertise he shrugged and emptied the jar into the pan, hoping for the best. It smelled good and that to him was a good sign.

As he carried on with his attampt at a chicken curry he was oblivious to the fact that Nicki had entered the kitchen, slightly amused by the scene she was greeted with.

"Need any help?"

"Oh, you're up." He put a glass lid on the pan and turned to face her. "I thought you woulda slept for a lot longer than that."

"I could have but something smelled too good to ignore." She smiled for the first time and although it was a weak and tired smile, it was still a smile in Safaree's eyes.

"Chef Safaree, cookin' up a storm." He spoke as he pulled a chair out for her. "It's almost done, you want a plate?"

"Please." Nodding shyly she sat down and rested her elbows on the table. She could tell how much he was trying, it was endearing.

A last minute change of plan led to them eating in the living room. He did want to talk but having thought about it as he cooked and she stayed silent he figured the TV would be a good way of filling the quiet moments.

"I know you did not just beat me." Spooning some more into his mouth he looked over at her plate and laughed. It looked as though she'd even licked it clean.

"I was starving."

"Good, there's more left over. Go help yourself."

"I'm okay, thanks." She nodded and moved to place her plate on the coffee table.

Once again the silence overcame them. It couldn't be ignored any longer.

"So, with this assisted miscarriage..." He stalled awkwardly. "What happens with that?"

"They give me two pills, seperately. I already had the first one and I gotta go have the second  tomorrow."

"Tomorrow?" 

"Yeah, tomorrow afternoon." She pulled her sleeves over her hands and looked up at him anxiously.

"You want me to go with you? I mean I'ont have to go in the room or anythin', I'll just-"

"No....I do want you to come." There was a small pause. "I'd feel better if you where there." She sounded both nervous to say 'yes' and relieved that he'd asked first. There was no way she could face any sort of rejection right now.

"Okay, I'll be there." He placed his hand on her wrist, giving it a gentle squeeze. "If that's what you want, I'm glad to do it."

"Thank you."

"No problem." He smiled briefly before standing. "How 'bout you pick a movie whilst I go clear this up?"

"Sure."With a small smile and nod she shrugged her jumper back over her shoulders and eased herself off of the couch. "Anything?"

"Anythin' you wanna watch. I'll be two minutes." Heading out of the room he felt a sense of improvement with their situation. His idea was to wipe the slate clean, so to speak. Erasing the past and starting afresh as of now. Things could only get better in his eyes, he just hoped that she'd respond positively.

He couldn't stop thinking about her. He'd been laying in bed since their movie finished early when she fell asleep on him. The way she held on to his frame let him know she needed him, it was completely obvious. Nevertheless he didn't want to overstep the boundary by placing her in his bed with him. Instead he carried her back to the guest room and covered her before heading to bed himself. His running mind came to an abrupt halt when he saw a shadow through the gap under his door. It was approaching slowly and stopped for a couple of seconds before retreating. 

She was about to enter but chickened out at the last minute, scared that he'd see it in a different way when all she wanted was for someone to hold her. Crossing her arms tightly across herself she adjusted the large jumper she was wearing and tiptoed back to her room. It was cold, which was what she was used to but still unwelcoming as she crawled back under the covers. Building a barricade of pillows she backed up to it and tried to settle and let sleep find her. She already knew it was going to be a long, sleepless night. She found that nights were the worst for revisiting memories, for once they entered her dreams they would never leave. Slowly twisting the dreams into nightmares. Her eyes got wide when she felt the bed moving behind her as the substitute human she'd built from pillows was pulled away from her bit by bit. She was about to turn around when she suddenly felt the coolness being replaced by his body heat as his strong arms pulled her gently back into him. It was like he'd read her mind, giving her everything she wanted right at that moment.

"I told you, I'm here."

...

*I know it's short, I apologise. I have so much uni work to do and exams are coming up in a few weeks so it'll be a while again I think. But thanku all so much again for the comments on the previous chapter. That's the most I've ever got!! Anyway, I hope this was alright.*

14. Dark Memories

*I wasn't going to post on this one but a reader requested it so here goes! ^_^ I hope it's ok and thanku for previous comments. Also this fic is a little...Darker than my other ones, that's the only word I can think of to describe it. I know I said I was updating Catch Me first but  I'll be posting on that one next though :)*

SB led her inside before shutting his front door. She'd finally been discharged after what he could only assume was a difficult first session with Dr Mullholland. The whole car ride had been silent aside from her answering the odd question he threw her way.

"I sorted out the guest room for you, I mean, it ain't much but at least it's somethin'." He folded his lips partially and looked over her small frame. "You want somethin' to eat?"

"Thanks but I think I'm just gonna go to sleep. I'm kinda tired." She unfolded her arms and forced a weak smile.

"Aight well, I'll show you up-"

"It's fine Safaree, I'm sure I'll find it." She set off up the stairs before stopping. "Thank you."

"Don't mention it." She had disappeared within seconds, leaving him seriously doubting the smile she was putting on. He had no idea of the kind of shit she'd been through these last few months but he had a strong feeling that the consequences were already making an appearance.

Upstairs in the guest room she found herself sat on the edge of the bed in a trance. She felt numb like if she was to see something heartbreaking happen before her very eyes right now then she wouldn't even blink an eye. It'd just crash over her like a wave and she'd be the rock unmoved by the force. Suddenly hearing Safaree's heavy footsteps ascending the stairs she waited, holding her breath to see if he was coming her way. The quiet knock on her door affirmed her suspicion.

"Nic? Can I come in?" Instead of answering she stood and walked to the door itself and opened it up for him.

"Yeah?" Their eyes met briefly before he entered.

"Look, I just wanna say that I'm really worried 'bout you. Y'know? You been through a lot these last few weeks and I'ont know what exactly but I'm here if you ever wanna talk you know that right?" By the time he had said his piece he was stood directly in front of her as she tried to block the tears from escaping.

"I know you are, thank you Safaree." As she looked up at him he tried to read her eyes but it was as if there was nothing there. No light, no hope and no strength. Just tired emptiness.

"Aight, well I'mma letchu get some sleep then. I'll talk to you tomorrow." He moved forward awkwardly and kissed her temple before leaving silently. Once again she was left with her grim thoughts and grieving heart. But what hurt the most was the consuming guilt she felt brewing within her. She prayed her actions wouldn't have any sort of repercussions and most of all she hoped he never found out. Her thoughts continued to swirl as she carefully undressed and changed into the sleep clothes SB had sweetly bought for her. She was still bleeding but Lara had reassured that this was normal, unpleasant as were the abdominal cramps but normal nonetheless. Knocking the light off she peeled back the covers and climbed in, allowing the coolness of the sheets to swallow her.



Stopping at her doorway abruptly the next morning he almost spilled the contents of the breakfast tray. His brow furrowed slightly when he heard her talking, she was on the phone.

"No, no next saturday is fine. Okay, I'll see you then. Thank you, bye."

Quickly fixing himself to look completely oblivious to her phone call he knocked gently on her half open door.

"Oh, SB I didn't know you were there. What're you doin'?" She flashed him a confused little smile as her eyes moved over the tray,

"I just thought I'd bring you up some breakfast. You didn't eat anythin' yesterday."

"Oh, thank you but I was just abouta head out." She grabbed her jacket from the bedpost as he just stared at her in bewilderment.

"Nic, you're s'posed to be restin'. I'm not allowed to letchu leave."

"I'll only be a half hour, it's fine." She tried to get past him but he stepped in her way.

"No, Nicki." Her face wrinkled up angrily, the mask was pretty see through though. Beneath the cold exterior she was crumbling, tired and hurting.

"But I need to go get-"

"Whatever it is, I can go pick it up for you. What do you need?" He set the tray down carefully on her nightstand as she just let her eyes follow him.

"You really don't mind?"

"Of course not."

"Aight, well I need pads." She tried to maintain eye contact but he looked away sheepishly as he rubbed his neck.

"As in notepads?"

"No Safaree. You know what pads I mean."

"Forreal?"

"Yeah." Her expression didn't change once.

"Fine, that's okay I got it." He smiled before backing out of the room. "Wait, what kind? Do they come in kinds?" His face contorted with confusion.

"Look, just let me go? I'ont want you to get the wrong ones." There was a long pause while he thought but his answer was still the same.

"Write it down for me and then I won't go wrong." She huffed purposely loud even though she should be grateful that he was doing all of this for her. After writing down the brand she wanted she gave him the paper and watched him leave. His sweetness was already making her feel even worse. She knew that the baby was his, their second child they'd conceived and the second they'd lost too. What she did that day kept running through her mind like a haunting movie with no end.

                                                                                                                                           


"I'm afraid we can't help you, now if you'd please hand me back the forms I have other people to see." Her face looked vaguely sympathetic but not very much. It was as if the nineteen year old sat before her wasn't any exception to what she usually saw in a working day.

"Please? I can find a way to pay I promise, I just-"

"Miss Maraj, I can't help you unless you have the money, today. I'm sorry." She leant forward and took the forms from her hands. "Feel free to return once you have the right amount." Nicki didn't respond but instead let her tears be seen as she stood up quickly, marching out of the clinic and back on to the cold busy street. 

She lay tossing and turning that night, her mind in turmoil. The ever present question of whether going to bed was pointless, once again sailed into her thoughts. She hadn't slept in days but this burden was weighing heavy on her mind and conscience. She'd made her decision though. There was no way she could have this baby, not like this. Laying motionlessly for most of the night she suddenly found herself squinting as the sun started to rise. Quickly flinching her face away from the open window she turned to look at the side table and there lay the answer to her problem, she just wished it had never come to this. After nights of drinking more than she could handle none of the binges had any result and now, she was out of money and down to her last bottle. Her last option was brutality at it's best, something she knew she'd never forgive herself for but it was her last hope.

Taking another long slow drink from the bottle she set it down shakily, the misery she felt inside was showing on the outside as the tears ran from her eyes continuously. The sun was shining through the grimy window as she readied herself for what she was about to do. The nausea was creeping up on her but it wasn't the alcohol. How did it come to this? That was the one question that kept coming back to her, begging for an answer.

"Come on Nicki, you can do this." She shut her eyes tightly and shook her head, the room was spinning rapidly. She was slumped against the wall with only a bra on, her legs apart and ready for what she was about to do. Grasping at the clothes hanger in her hand she could feel it shaking as she sobbed. "Oh my God, what am I doing?!" She cried out loudly, no longer caring who heard her. Quickly grabbing the bunched up socks next to her she shoved them into her mouth to bite down on, she had no idea how this was going to pan out. One thing she did know was that there was a possibility she might not make it through this. But there was no way she was going to bring a baby into this world. This life. She had nothing to offer her. Bracing herself she slowly pushed the wire hanger inside herself, muffling her agonising screams with the sock bundle clenched tightly between her teeth. The rest was a blur. 

She must have passed out soon afterwards, whether or not it was the pain or the cheap alcohol she'd binged on to numb the pain she had no idea. Sitting up off of the cold floor she shakily reached for her clothes, there wasn't as much blood as she had anticipated but that didn't take back what she'd done. Once again feeling the tears surfacing she washed herself gently under the cold spluttered shower head before dressing herself, the tears and pain never once letting up on her already exhausted body. It hurt to walk but just her luck, the elevator was broken. "Piece of shit." She slammed her palm on to the metal door before continuning delicately down the steps. Rummaging through her pockets she managed to get some change together to grab a bagel from the stand. She was about to tuck in when a sudden feeling came over her. The pain was intense, in fact it was so painful she felt the ground getting closer to her face as she fell down. Instantly blacking out.

"What've we got here?" The doctor's voice was soft yet the concern showed through. Nicki could hear everything that was going on around her but her eyes simply wouldn't open. Her body felt hot, almost like it was on fire but no amount of trying led to her body moving. She felt paralysed in a dark prison.

"An onlooker says she passed out on the sidewalk, she's around three or four months pregnant but by the looks of it she's tried to terminate the pregnancy herself."

" A home-abortion?" The change in his tone was obvious to Nicki as she lay helplessly, forced to hear every word. "Which technique?"

"We think she used a coat hanger."

"Did she cause much damage to herself?" She could feel his hands on her and guessed he was examining her.

"Remarkably she's only sustained minor injuries, that we can see so far anyway."

"She's lucky, that's for sure. Very, very lucky." He paused. "Was the attempted termination successful?"

"No." The woman's voice trailed off and as she spoke up again Nicki felt a a warm hand wrap around hers supportively. "I don't think she made it that far."

"This girl is just lucky she even survived trying to do something like that, what the hell was even going through her mind?" He shook his head. "Thank you Lara, I'll let you get her cleaned her up and I'll be back after my rounds to take a proper look at her."

The young woman still had hold of Nicki's hand as she watched the Doctor walk away. She didn't know for sure what on earth had forced her to do something so foolishly dangerous, but she did know how it felt to be pregnant, alone and vulnerable. 

                                                       

"Nic? Nicki, wake up." His whispered words pulled her out of the hideous recollection as she blinked her eyes open quickly. She'd fallen asleep on his couch waiting for him to get back. "I got what you asked for. Here." He handed the plastic bag to her and stood up straight again. "I'm abouta go make some food, whattya feel like eatin'?"

"Oh, I'm not hungry, thanks." Her tired smile and washed out complexion was beginning to worry him. Moving back over to her he sat down on the couch.

"Come on Nicki you gotta eat somethin', you had a rough couple days and-"

"Look, I said I wasn't hungry Safaree! Just leave it!" She stood up and clutched the bag to herself. "I'm gonna go take a shower. Thanks for gettin' these." She looked down as she brushed past him and headed up the stairs.

He sat down defeatedly and pulled his cap off as he rubbed his scalp, exhaling loudly. He felt like she was just becoming more and more introverted than before, he had no idea what was running through her mind half the time or what her smile was really hiding. Obviously it was something dark and scarring but keeping it locked away inside was really not good for her. Finally plucking up the courage he threw his cap back on and went up to her room, pausing before he knocked. He could hear her crying. The pain-filled sobs threw him at first but instead of walking away from her like her did four years ago he did the opposite. Turning the handle quietly she didn't hear him enter and was startled when she felt him moving closer behind her on the bed. He never spoke, his actions spoke a thousand words as he pulled her trembling body into his embrace. For once she didn't fight back, she didn't pull away but let him continue to hold her as she cried into his shirt. Why couldn't he see the comfort she'd been seeking, all this time the only thing she wanted was for someone to just hold her and tell her everything was going to be alright. Which is exactly what he did as they lay together on her bed.

...

*I know it's a lil' short but the weather in Australia right now is killing me! Especially 'cause I'm not made for this heat and we don't have aircon lol anyway thanks so much for reading, I've almost given up on this fics a few times tbh but you guys are super supportive, so thanku! Oh and I know some of you are gonna be confused because in the flashback the nurse said the termination was unsuccessful but you'll find out more next chapter :3 *